If Axolotls Could Talk: What Your Axolotl Is Really Thinking

An Exclusive Interview With Your Axolotl

Hello.

My name is Axolotl.

You call me:

• Aristotle

• Noodle

• Wiggles

• Sir Fluffington

• Princess Bubblegills

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what my actual name is.

You seem to change it every five minutes.

Anyway.

I've noticed humans spend a lot of time wondering what we're thinking.

Today I'd like to clear up a few misunderstandings.

"My Axolotl Looks Happy."

First of all...

This is just my face.

I always look happy.

I also always look confused.

And mildly concerned.

At the same time.

I cannot control this.

Please stop assuming I'm smiling because you cleaned the glass.

"My Axolotl Loves Me."

Maybe.

Or...

Maybe you're the giant food dispenser.

The evidence is inconclusive.

Every time you approach the tank, food occasionally appears.

Naturally, I have connected these events.

Scientists call this learning.

"He's Looking Right At Me."

Actually...

I was looking at that floating particle behind you.

My eyesight isn't exactly award-winning.

Sometimes I think a pellet is a rock.

Sometimes I think a rock is a pellet.

Life is full of mysteries.

Why Do You Keep Putting Things In My House?

One day I wake up.

New cave.

Next week.

New plant.

Then driftwood.

Then another plant.

Then a thermometer.

Do you know how exhausting it is being the head of aquarium security?

I must inspect everything.

Every single time.

It's a lot of responsibility.

About That Thermometer Incident

I'd like the record to show that I was conducting a professional investigation.

I was not afraid.

I was gathering intelligence.

Very different.

Why Do I Sit In The Same Spot All Day?

Because it's comfortable.

Humans spend entire weekends on couches.

Yet somehow I'm the lazy one.

Curious.

Why Do I Stare At Nothing?

I don't.

There is always something.

A tiny bubble.

A floating speck.

A microscopic crustacean.

A thought.

Mostly food.

Usually food.

Speaking Of Food...

Let's discuss your feeding performance.

Sometimes you drop food directly in front of me.

Excellent work.

Other times you drop it somewhere ridiculous.

Then you watch me search for twenty minutes.

You could help.

You choose not to.

Interesting.

Why Do I Spit Out Pellets?

Quality control.

Would you swallow everything immediately?

No.

You'd inspect it first.

I'm simply maintaining standards.

Why Do I Swim To The Surface?

Because I have lungs.

This surprises humans every single time.

I gulp some air.

You panic.

Everybody needs to relax.

Why Do I Randomly Sprint Around The Tank?

Sometimes I feel fast.

That's it.

That's the reason.

Why Do I Sit On Plants?

You buy them.

I sit on them.

This is our arrangement.

Why Do I Sit In My Food Bowl?

I don't know.

Why do humans sit in bathtubs?

Some questions don't have answers.

Why Do I Rearrange The Sand?

Interior decorating.

You wouldn't understand.

Why Do I Try To Eat Everything?

In my defence...

Many things look edible.

Pellets.

Worms.

Snails.

My own foot.

Mistakes happen.

Why Do I Follow You Around The Tank?

Possibility of snacks.

There is always a possibility.

I like to stay prepared.

Why Do I Ignore Expensive Decorations?

Because the cardboard box equivalent of an aquarium is still the best hiding spot.

Nature is funny like that.

What Do Axolotls Think About Water Changes?

Initially?

Panic.

Then?

"This is actually quite nice."

Then?

Back to thinking about food.

Why Do We Love Cool Water?

Imagine wearing a winter jacket.

Now imagine someone slowly turning your house into an oven.

That's what warm water feels like.

Please keep the tank cool.

Thank you.

A Message About Water Testing

You know those little test tubes?

The ones you shake like a mad scientist?

Keep doing that.

Good water makes everything better.

Better gills.

Better appetite.

Better naps.

And I am extremely passionate about naps.

The Truth About Axolotl Intelligence

Humans often ask if we're smart.

Let me answer with a question.

Have you ever spent $200 decorating a tank...

Only for your axolotl to spend all day sitting behind the filter?

Exactly.

Who trained who?

Final Thoughts From An Axolotl

Life is simple.

Find food.

Take naps.

Inspect suspicious objects.

Sit on plants.

Pretend not to see the pellet directly in front of you.

Then eventually eat it anyway.

Honestly, humans could learn a lot from us.

Now if you'll excuse me...

I need to stare at this rock for the next forty-five minutes.

It's acting suspicious.

Little Lotls Translation Guide

"Stares At You"

Food?

"Follows Your Hand"

Definitely food.

"Zooms Around The Tank"

Food soon?

"Sits In The Same Spot"

Comfortable.

"Investigates Everything"

Professional security inspection.

"Misses The Pellet"

Working as intended.

Signed,

Your Axolotl

Chief Pellet Inspector

Head of Aquarium Security

Professional Plant Sitter

Part-Time Thermometer Hunter